Random Insanities on a Monday Morning

Disclaimer: I NEVER claimed to be nice. I take pride in being an ass.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Are Dudes Just Unaware?

We need to discuss the disgusting disaster of what I like to call "close-proximity ball-touching."

This is a disgusting habit that the male species has picked up.
A guy would never see a public coochie-scratch or god forbid, a butt-picking. (SICK when guys do that also btw.)

Forget it, I'm nauseas already. I'm not finishing this blog.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

What a Day

I've kissed so much ass today that my mouth tastes funny.

It's an interesting thing, kissing ass. You feel sick while you're doing but also slightly empowered. You know that while you're flirting and giggling and promising all sorts of things that you know no sane person will ever do, you are going to convince someone to do something for you.

I got so much done today, all with a little "hee-hee omg really you're from where?"

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Penis Donut

I swear Dunkin is so weird. They've finally figured out that their muffins are like those plastic fruit that people keep on their living room table. Looks good but hard as rock and not fun to eat. So now they keep each muffin in a little plastic container on the muffin shelf. Of course, being the shmucks that they are, they dont actually GIVE you the container. They take the time to open the container and put it in a bag. I guess they re-use the container? That's weird. Anyway that's not the point of this story. The point is this picture.
What the fuck is this? I almost want to make sweet sweet love to it. I dont think it would hold me after though. Plus, it has Dunkin DoShmucks Indian cooties on it.
I ate it anyway.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

That'll Teach Me...

So Great Oak has graciously awarded Megan, Jesse, and myself with 2 tickets each to Vegas, hotel included. We decided it would be fun if we made a group trip of it with our regular happy hour crowd. Unfortunately Heather is no longer Greak Oak's HR lady (she quit on Friday) so Jesse will bring her, I will bring Kia, and Megan will bring Janelle. OK. So emails have been flying back and forth these last couple of days, everyone CCing everyone else, trying to coordinate the dates that work best for everyone. (I know I'm boring you so far, but stick with me. I'm setting the scene.)

Yesterday morning, Coop (my sexy boss that I have crushie on) comes in the office and tells us that we cant go together because the office will fall apart without the three of us. Blah. And so the furious emails ensue, everyone being sad that we cant go together, trying to work it out anyway, etc etc. Kia suggests that I sleep with Coop to help sway his decision. I respond to all that I am already doing the boss.

Somewhere along the way though, Heather's Hotmail email account got substituted for her old Great Oak email. Of course now that she is no longer an employee of Great Oak, her emails are being directly forwarded to Shein, the VP. Yep. He read everything.

I wont give you the details on how I figured it out--it's boring. But I did. And i was embarrassed.
But it gets worse. Jesse told me that Shein had forwarded the emails to Coop and the Boston partner and that they're all laughing at my expense. So at this point I figure I have to ease the weirdness and say something to Cooper. It went something like this:

Amalia: So you got Kia's email eh? LOL
Coop: what email?
Amalia: Shein didnt forward it to you?
Coop: huh? no?

Thoroughly confused, I pick up the phone (the above was on IM) and confirm he really has no idea what transpired, and then i proceed to tell him the entire story, very embarrassed. At the end of it all, I'm half laughing, half almost-crying because I'm all red in the face. Then Cooper bursts out laughing and says "I KNEW ALREADY HAHA JUST WANTED TO HEAR YOU SAY IT. Still love me?"

The rest of the day he was calling me sweetheart and all sorts of other weird things. Apparently this little joke isnt going to die anytime soon. I'm gonna go throw myself into the paper shredder.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

I'm a Food Freak

So I've realized i have a lot of weird food "things." To the point where I may be considered a freak. I know most of you really dont give a shit about anything I'm about to write but i wanted to actually compile a list. So read it anyway.

I hate Mexican food.
Who puts beans in food? And the smell? 'Nuff said.

I hate all mushy food.
I just cant get that shit in my mouth. All smushy and squishy and sloshin around in my mouth. It makes me wanna gag. This includes bananas, and most importantly--SUSHI. I dont give a rats ass what raw junk they cram in there. That's not what bothers me. It's the fuckin squishy rice. Ugh. It's makin my skin crawl thinking about it. Melted cheese in big blobs falls under this category. Oh, and kugel? Cooked mashed vegetables? What is all that about? Where's the appeal?

I cant eat different foods together.
This may be my weirdest one. I'm talkin about as retarded as eating pizza with toppings on it. And no, sauce is okay. The differentiation is the solidification of the different foods. For instance, pizza is made of bread, sauce, and cheese--three different things. BUT. That doesnt bother me cuz it's all kinda cooked together in one piece. But once you start putting vegetables or other crap on there, I'm out. Perhaps even more retarded--sandwiches. I just cant. All those different foods all at once? Nope.

Cream cheese is nasty.
Except on English Muffins.

I also hate:
olives, asparagus, mushrooms, onions (raw or cooked, both gross), water chestnuts, eggplant,

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Crazy, in color!!

HAHAHAH i got her to look at my camera and practically pose without her knowing!!! NIIIIIICE. Here ya go. AND here's a new story:

HR person, trying to help with Holiday Party: Is everyone down with someplace like Ruth's Chris?
Crazy: I'm not allowed in there.
*giant pause*
Crazy: Yep well that's what happens when your boss takes you home! I sued them all!

Say WHAT now?
You know she liked it.

Need Your Input

So i recently found out that Slutty McWhore has been calling me names behind my back. Most importantly, a "two-faced bitch." This is rather ironic bcz she wont call me this name to my face, but whatever. Anyway I've openly attested to the fact that I have nothing against Slutty anymore. I think she's a silly cock-sucker that will use anyone as a step-stool, but really--no hard feelings. OK, maybe cock-sucker is a little harsh. Cum-guzzling nut-licker? Okay, okay, I'll stop. I really dont think that of her. Seriously. At this point, it's just fun to rag on her. Easy target.

Anyway the point of my rant--I havent talked to Slutty McWhore in several months. Yet she still feels the need to talk shit about me, calling me names and such. Do you think I should call her out on it? Dramaaaaaaaaa... Or just let it be?