That Was A Close One...

So I'm on the connecting flight to LA on Friday morning. Waaay too much turbulence for anyone's liking. Especially the teenager sitting 2 seats away. Allow me to embellish. (Ready your barf bag.) A few hours prior, I glanced down at my boarding pass as I filed along with the other passengers down the aircraft aisle. Seat 37D. I was tired so as soon as I found my seat, I settled in and proceeded to close my eyes. "Excuse me, are you seat 37D? Bcz that's what my boarding pass says--I think you're in my seat." *Groan* I opened my eyes and looked up at the seat assignments. The girl was right--I had the seat on the other side of the aisle. "Oh...you're right, sorry about that." I started to gather my shit. "No, no, dont worry about it, I dont mind sitting there. It's all the same."
Lol we'll see if she thinks the same way 4 hours later.
So roughly 20 minutes before landing there starts the shaking. Getting nauseas again just thinking about it. A few minutes into it, I hear some sputtering, coughing, and then-- the smell. Oh yea. The boy sitting next to what should have been my seat hurled everywhere. I definately felt bad for the poor kid--he was covered in his own puke. But worse for the girl that shouldn't have even been sitting in that seat. She got quite a nice spray herself.
And there you have it.
Proof that I am in fact a lucky bitch.

OMG Favorite LO Ever

This just totally made my day. And yes, he bolded that line himself.

From: Aaron Harding
Sent: Wednesday, September 13, 2006 11:23 AM
To: 'Amalia Rose'
Subject: RE: Jordan HOI

Hey, you've got a great personality for processing. You don't let everything get you bent out of shape. You work hard, fast, and you catch mistakes early. So LOL if you want to. You are doing a great job. I think you are a lot better at this then Tammy ever wanted to be. So stand up and do a little dance and pat yourself on the back.

Now HAHA Yourself you GREAT BEASTWOMAN OF A PROCESSOR

Aaron H.

Why LO's Are Dumb, part IIA

SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY??
My good buddy LO Will buys me flowers, writes me thank you cards, and gets my car detailed. Smart LO Marc gives me chocolate-dipped Godiva strawberries.
And stupid ol' Jason emails me this:

From Jason at 9:42AM:
do you ever answer your phone? lol

From Amalia at 9:45AM:
not when i'm on the other line

From Jason at 10:11AM:
geez must be the impending trip to Cali that is causing the meltdown lol

From Amalia at 10:15AM:
i'll pretend you didnt say that.

Why LO's Are Dumb, part II

So I log in to my computer this morning when i get to work. Before i even get a chance to clock in, i get an IM from #1 most annoying LO. I ignore it for a few minutes cuz what the fuck i aint talkin to Annoying at 815am. Then when i do answer him, i'm direct and concise. I havent even finished my morning coffee yet, i aint makin small talk with Douche Bag.
Then i get this:

Jason says:
Someone have a case of the Wednesdaaaaaays?

Jason says:
Lol


Um exCUSE me? Suck a nut, Jason. Suck a nut.

A Little Dirty But...

Here at Great Oak, I tend to be bored quite frequently, so I send incessant emails to Kia. One liners. And we go back and forth, as if having a conversation. I think we're both mentally insane. Read on.

From arose@greatoaklending.com at 2:32PM:
I think I'm getting sick.

From cleder@easternsavingsbank.com at 2:39PM:
I think your mom is gay.

From arose@greatoaklending.com at 2:43PM:
I think Louie's dick is shrinking.

From cleder@easternsavingsbank.com at 2:45PM:
Jim's isnt.

For all you that don't know, I'm sleeping with Kia's dad, Louie.
Yummy.

Should I Be Worried?

So, bored at work, i found a website to keep me amused. It's the Maryland Judiciary Public Case Records. It allows you to search by name, anyone's public record. (Read as, all the shit they've gone to court for.) Of the 39 employees in my branch, I've got 11 records of second degree assault, 2 counts of first-degree assault, 9 records of domestic violence, 4 counts of possession NOT marijuana, 2 records of possession of marijuana, 1 "misuse of telephone: repeat calls", 2 active restraining orders, 3 counts of theft, 2 counts of property destruction, 1 count of having a handgun in a vehicle, 1 record of having handgun on person, and even 1 "animal running at large," whatever the fuck that means. And i didnt even count about 10 other employees because their names are so common that i couldnt distinguish their records from someone else's. I think I'm going to bring Mace to work tomorrow. And maybe a small knife.

Why LO's Are Dumb

So because it's my first day, I've decided to delight you with 2 posts today.
This is an excerpt from my conversation with one of the dumbest LO's in here.

Stephen says:
Speaking to Capital Market group on Sagoe
Stephen says:
they dont ewant to accept the separation ageeemnt
Stephen says:
looks like they are saying that the agreement inst legally binding
Amalia says:
omg
Amalia says:
what if we get it notarized?
Stephen says:
i am on hold now trying to work it out
Stephen says:
Ok listen
Stephen says:
have Jesse noterize it and then send it to capital markets
Stephen says:
the fax number is 7277122301
Amalia says:
ummm it was dated 8/2
Amalia says:
i cant just stamp it from a notary
Amalia says:
its got to be resigned with today's date
Amalia says:
otherwise theyr gonna think its weird
Stephen says:
All jesse has to do is stamp it and sign the old date
Stephen says:
my wife is a notery
Stephen says:
I have it done all the time
Amalia says:
take a minute and think about this
Amalia says:
they have already seen the statement
Amalia says:
you cannot add a notary stamp dated 3 weeks ago if they already know it wasnt there as of today.

Yea he didnt even bother to respond after that. What a dumbass.

Cricket from Hell

So Kia's complaining on a Monday morning about how tired she is because she took Nyquil too late. I can top that:

9pm: washin my face in the bathroom and I hear a cricket. Thinks to self, “man I hate all the freakin bugs in my bathroom.”
930pm: watching tv in bed and I hear a cricket. Thinks to self, ‘fuck is it in my room now?? Gross…..” I start to look for it. cant find it. but the chirping noise is so freakin loud and im freakin out.
945pm: call dad in from watching football to help me find the bug. Jim moves around all the crap in my room, being a good sport. Me, huddled in the corner of my bed. We cant find it anywhere but it so damn loud. All of a sudden, Jim looks up. “I think it’s in your ceiling.” He reaches up and moves around some of the ceiling “tiles” (read as, foam pieces of shit painted white). Chirping stops momentarily then starts again a few minutes later across the room. “Yep it’s in your ceiling.” And he walks out.
Lovely.
1130pm: I fall asleep.
Midnight: I am awoken by the god-awful chirping noise and it’s right above my bed, by my feet. I am freakin out. I take the small bottle of lotion next to my bed and toss it up at the ceiling. Chirping stops. I go back to sleep.
1215pm: wake up again. fucking chirping. Throw more stuff at the ceiling. This happens two more times within the next half hour. I fall back asleep.
2am: I wake up in a cold sweat. The bug is gonna eat me!!!! It’s so damn loud and I keep thinking it’s gonna come out of the ceiling and land on my face. I call yitzy. “Take your pillow and blanket and go sleep on the living room couch.” So I do. We chat for 20 mins and I fall asleep.
3am: Woken by the baby. Now I can hear her cuz she’s right down the hall. It stops. I fall asleep.
5am: More crying. Fuuuuuuck.
515am: I finally fall asleep until my alarm goes off.
So don’t tell me you’re tired.