The Love Pat: Sexy or Just Weird and Gay?

So Shegetz came in the office today. For all you who don't know, Shegetz is the half-Korean that I kind of... watched tv with. Moving on. So he doesn't work in my branch but came in today to drop off some files. He still finds it necessary to come into my office and chat with me, even though we havent watched tv in several months, and I like to watch tv on my own these days. (Wow that was funny.) Anyway. So he came in my office and we started the usual: stupid chit-chat, stupid work-talk, stupid stupid. Then, on his way out, I got The Love Pat. The dude actually patted me on the head. What is that about? Is it supposed to turn me on? Did he want to touch me so badly that he actually went for the head? What did it mean? I didn't get it. And it didn't help his cause at all for any more tv-watching. What do you think?

PS btw Joel that tv-watching euphemism was for you.

Celebrity Sighting

The celebrity in this story is ... MOI.

So i found out I'm famous. People are actually reading this piece o shit blog that I have. Wow. Here I thought I'm just amusing Midge, Kia, Megan, and myself, when in fact, I have hundreds of readers. OK fine, not hundreds. But maybe I can use two hands to count them!

So my initial reaction is OH SHIT what if Slutty McWhore and TheSplooge read it! And then it hit me. WHAT IF THE DUNKIN DOSHMUCK READ IT!?!? Ok fine that part didnt cross my mind but should I be worried about some of the stuff I've been writing? I haven't really been censoring myself and I tend to forget my boundaries once I get goin'.

Now, dear readers, you should know me by now. This entire thought process came and went in a shorter time than it takes Louie to... OK that was gross. Bottom line is: if you dont like it, dont read it. As i said in my disclaimer (top, left): I take pride in being an ass. I'm gonna say it like it is, folks. Now granted, I'm not gonna go into graphic detail about some stuff, but I'm okay with spilling some shit.

All that aside. Seems that Midge isnt as carefree as I am. Perhaps because I didnt lay out on the table that I wanted to do... (you didnt think i was really gonna let that one outta the bag, did you?) But I did do that SlutBag. I told her secrets to everyone. I guess that's not too fair. So I've gone back and edited "Amalia's Verbally Abusive" to protect her privacy. Surprised? I was. Anyway I haven't changed anything else. I'm strappin' on my big balls and standing my ground. I should note though that I really dont have anything against Slutty McWhore. Everyone's gotta do what they've gotta do to get ahead. I get that. I may have done the same thing if I was in her position. OK fine you're right-- only a conniving manipulative bitch would do something like that. Kidding...(partly). But I give this message to you, Slutty-- GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF! I almost half-respect her for screwing over her friend to get ahead with her man. Fucked up, I know. So there you have it. No hard feelings, Slutty. Friends?

And a note to all my secret readers: If you're gonna read my shit, at least have the common decency to let me know if you love or hate me. Leave me a little note. Tell me I'm a sick fuck. Tell me I amuse you. I dont care, but I wanna hear it. I promise I wont cry. Much.

Dunkin' Doshmucks

So this morning the douche bag at Dunkin Donuts actually felt 5 bagels (fine, through the little plastic paper) before he gave me the most stale one. He literally picked up 5 different bagels, squeezed each one, and then settled on the stalest mother fucker in the back of the bin. What the fuck? I was too tired to care. But i did include a pic for you.

Flirtations with the Attorney

From: Moe
To: Mary, closer
CC: Amalia

blah blah taxes blah
__________________
From: Mary, closer
To: Moe
CC: Amalia

stupid rude response
__________________
From: Amalia
To: Moe

god she's dumb
__________________
From: Moe
To: Amalia

and rude
__________________
From: Amalia
To: Moe

not like me
__________________
From: Moe
To: Amalia

ur sexy
__________________
From: Amalia
To: Moe

*blushy blushy*

The Bull

in the background, i hear a voicemail that Megan is listening to:
"Hi Megan, this is Jessica from Bank of America, I'm calling about blah blah blah blah regarding loan blah blah blah."
Megan clicks the phone off.
Megan: Um... Amalia? I slept with her husband.

later that day:
Boss walks into the office. I shamelessly flirt with him. He leaves.
Me: do you think he knows that i have dirty fantasies about him?
Megan: youre a dirty girl.
Me: me??!? you fucked Bank of America's husband!!!

Quote of the Day

"Dara used dope cuz Amalia fucked Shimon."
"It better have been good if you OD'ed from it"
"No. Amazing."


Nope. No explanation. Just the quote.

Midge really is the dumbest freakin person i know

Midge thinks that if she gives TheSplooge a code name made out of his initials, then no one will know who he is. She's been calling the fucker "FT" as long as I can remember. I never really listen when Midge talks or else I would have picked up on this sooner, but when it was blatantly there in an email "blah blah blah FT blah blah", I asked her "where the fuck did you come up with FT anyway? It doesnt make any sense. Those arent his initials. His initials are ST."
Her response: Oh. Everyone calls him that. Or are they really saying S and I'm just hearing F? I always wondered why they call him that.
OH. MY. GOD.

Is She For Real?

I'd like to recount the dumbest conversation I've ever had. Now you may think that this would be with Midge, but no. #1 on the Top Ten Dumbest Conversations is my argument with Slutty McWhore. (See pic below.)

Now keep in mind: This is the girl that, when asked why she told my friend (her BF at the time) blatant lies about me, she responded, "I do what it takes to get what I want." This resulted in the end of my friendship with BF cuz Slutty McWhore thought I was a threat to the relationship.

That was 3 years ago. Moving on.

First a little background to this particular argument: A week before my impending trip to visit her ex-BF (yep, same dude from above), Slutty McWhore (from here on, SMW) calls him:

SMW: so you gonna hook up with Amalia?

BF: are you retarded?

SMW: well, you know how she is...

Now on a regular day I dont normally appreciate being called a ho. This resulted in my call to her:

Me: so do you think I'm a ho or do you just like to shit-talk to me to BF?

SMW: i have no idea what you're talking about.

*I repeat the conversation above*

Me: Are you telling me that conversation didnt occur?

SMW: that is what I'm telling you

Me: what if i told you i was listening on 3-way on the other line the whole time?

(NOTE: I WASNT. And NO that is not a lie--i just said "what if i was?")

SMW: then i would tell you that i dont remember.

*are you kidding me?*

Me: so you have NO recollection of this conversation?

SMW: no, definately not.

Me: even though I'm telling you that I may have been listening to the entire thing?

SMW: right.

*this sounds dumb, right?*

Me: well do you remember when BF was telling you about [random shit]

SMW: yes i remember that

Me: [random shit] was in the same phone call as the ho comment

*silence*

Me: so you remember that, but not the ho comment

*SMW stumbles*

Me: and i may have been listening to the entire thing on the other line

*yes, i know i sound repetitive but i had to make sure she knew EXACTLY what i meant*

SMW: well.... i may vaguely remember this now.... yes i think i do

Me: i see. ok. Memory's coming back. That's good.

SMW: but i definately didnt mean it like that. I definately remember that. That i didnt mean it negatively.

Me: uh huh.

*so she doesnt really remember the conversation but definately remembers her connotation?*

SMW: well you know, i'm not friends with whores. And i'm your friend. So it's not possible that i meant it like that.

*is that something like the transitive property? If A=B and B=C, then A=C? My math goes something like "If liars are bitches, and Slutty McWhore is a liar, then Slutty McWhore is a bitch."*

Me: okay i'm gonna go now. Good talking.

Processor...now Plumber?

A little background:
The bathroom here at Great Oak looks something like this


Now, I ALWAYS use Stall 3--for obvious reasons: it's the farthest from the door, it only has one neighboring stall, etc, ectc. Rumors around the office have shown though, that someone has been leaving behind remnants of themselves in Stall 2. One loan officer has walked in on this THREE times in the past 2 weeks alone. This is ludicrous. Have people forgotten to flush? Cmon. And I'm not talking about midget poop. I'm talking about turds that would leave an elephant breathless.

Anyway. I think this is dumb. The maintenence guy and I have come to a collaborative solution: He left a plunger in Stall 2. I have posted signs in the stalls today: "Don't be a hog. Flush your log."

I'll keep you posted on the progress.

Do I Know You?

What is with Jews feeling the need to say HI just because I'm Jewish? Excuse me, but do i know you?
Take this afternoon, for instance. Trying to enjoy a leisurely lunch with SlutBag in Smelly Restaurant. Packed by Jews all trying to buy a tuna sandwich which is made by WomanBehindCounter cutting open a Lenders bagel, scooping up a spoon of tuna, and covering it with bagged lettuce. She doesnt even bother getting a fresh head of lettuce to cut up. But whatever. Moving on. Walking out the door, squeezing past too-fat Jews on their way to packin more on, I hear SlutBag behind me, "You're such a ho. Say hello to her!" I step outside and turn around, "Say hello to who? i dont fuckin know anyone in there!" (Jewish lady eating outside gives me the evil for dropping the F-bomb but whatever. Fuck her.)
SlutBag: What are you talking about? We went to school with her!
Me: so because we were in the same grade with 100 other girls 8 years ago, I have to say hello to her? I dont think i ever said hi to her when we were actually IN high school. I dont even know the bitch's name.
SlutBag: ur such a ho.

Yea, what else is new.

Funny Email from Office Manager

actual email sent out to the Great Oak office:

Dear Office -

If you're going to call someone and leave a message from Great Oak, how about leaving your name?

I've gotten five calls in the last 10 minutes today from vaguely English-speaking folks who got a call from this number. About the same yesterday.

They didn't know why, or who called. I'm not interested in deciphering the mystery of who called these people: nor am I particularly interested in discussing with these folks their personal problems, or their dissatisfaction with being called by an anonymous Great Oak stranger.

So, if you're calling people and not leaving your name, TRY to leave your name. If you're calling people and just breathing heavily into the phone and not leaving a message, TRY NOT to do that.

Cheers,

-Phone Bitch

Amalia's Verbally Abusive, part Deux

actual email:

From: Kia
To: Amalia
Time: 2:18pm
Subject: plans for the rest of today

4;59, shut down computer and leave go to store and buy magazines.
blow dry hair
put away luandry
6;11 begins the holy shabbath

____________________________

From: Amalia
To: Kia
Time: 2:20pm
Subject: Re: plans for the rest of today

2:19: check to see if i give a shit about anything listed above
2:19 and 3 seconds: realize i dont give a shit
2:19 and 23 seconds: delete the email.

conversation between me and TheSplooge:
TheSplooge: cmon lets go to the party
Me: no one i care about will be there
TheSplooge: what do you mean? I'll be there!
Me: TheSplooge, you could drop dead right here on my living room floor and i wouldnt shed a tear.

Amalia's Verbally Abusive

actual conversations from yesterday and today:
Names have been edited to protect privacy. TheSplooge is called this because...well that's all he is really. A big sticky pile of jizm.
Author's Note: I have had to edit parts of this blog because of the good friend that I am. Only to the people I like, mind you. See blog from 10/30 for more details.

YESTERDAY:
Midge: me overwhelmed
Amalia: me don’t give a rats ass
Midge: ur a bitch
Amalia: I have work to do, go away
Midge: blow me

Midge: word to the wise: you’re a bitch
Amalia: word to the wise: shut the fuck up and leave me alone im busy

*edited cuz I'm nicer than I thought*
Midge: stupid comment
Amalia: you really a dumb whore
Amalia: youre dumb.
Amalia: end of story.
Amalia: dumb dumb dumb
Midge: you always tell me I’m dumb
Amalia: that’s because 90% of the day youre doing something dumb

Midge: me out in 5
Amalia: blah blah boring blah

TODAY:
Midge: im gonna ask TheSplooge to bring me food
Midge: got his voicemail
Midge: ill be impressed if he comes
Midge: lets see if he comes
Midge: it depends what time he has shul…he might have work
Amalia: you really don’t get it do you
Amalia: this is NOT interesting to me

Midge: YELLOW STICKERS EVERYWHERE!!!
Midge: HELP!!!!
Amalia: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!
Midge: youre a dumb slut
Amalia: and youre a boring whore
Midge: that’s not what Jim said last nite
Amalia: blah blah boring blah

Midge: TheSplooge is coming now. *edited cuz I'm nicer than I thought*
Amalia: im not going to respond to that
Midge: come on youre a little impressed hes coming
Amalia: lets play a game
Amalia: it’s called “no talking about TheSplooge for the rest of the day”
Midge:SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE
Midge: SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGESPLOOGESPLOOGE THESPLOOOGE
SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGESPLOOGESPLOOGE THESPLOOOGE
SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGESPLOOGESPLOOGE THESPLOOOGE
SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGESPLOOGESPLOOGE THESPLOOOGE
Amalia: im gonna smother your face with a pillow tonight when you sleep over

Midge: i just saw TheSplooge
Amalia: have you been drinking the toilet water again? youre retarded.